The Absolute Game Revisited – Part 44

September 1, 2010

Here is a diversion back to the Scottish Cup Final in 1994, as viewed by a certain radio show –

Radio Daze

A look at the Cup Final day antics of Radio Clyde – or, as it’s better known in these parts, Radio Govan and Gallowgate

21st May 1994. Scottish Cup Final day.

Before the game, the air was thick with speculation that those mythical creatures, Duncan Ferguson and the back-to-back treble were going to put in guest appearances.

We know now that the Ferguson turned up, but there was no show from the b-t-b-t.

The sight of Maurice Malpas raising the Cup aloft may have pro­duced paroxysms of delight throughout much of Scotland but my guess is that it caused a frisson of panic in the Radio Clyde studio.

For weeks they’d been planning an all-out, no­ holds-barred orgasmathon in celebration of the Second (Consecutive) Coming of the Treble. It had apparently never so much as crossed their (admittedly tiny) minds that a bunch of freakos from Dundee would interfere with this, the greatest day in world sport ever.

Ivan Golac’s pre­match predictions of triumph for the Terrors had been casually dismissed as the ravings of a jovial Transylvanian lunatic.

Having put so much work into compiling a comprehensive tribute to the eternal omnipo­tence of the mighty Teddy Bears, they sure as hell weren’t going to let an inconvenient little thing like the Blue Meanies losing the Cup Final get in the way. Hell no, they were just going to act as though the long-prophesied b-t-b-t had finally pulled into town.

Thus, while United’s players were still on the rostrum col­lecting their winners’ medals, Radio Clyde’s gibbering front-man was off and running to collect the ‘most craven piece of sycophantic, arse-licking journalism of the century‘ award.

At approximately 4.43pm he could be heard announcing: “Yes, it’s congratulations to Dundee United. But it was all so different back in October when Richard Gough collected the first piece of silverware of the season as Rangers defeated Hibs in the League Cup Final” . Suddenly the tapes are rolling and we’re off on a helter-skelter ride through every Rangers goal scored throughout this (nearly) b-t-b-t season.

Thudding rock music provided the backbeat to a series of strangulated com­mentary excerpts of the “HateleyaaarghgoalaaarghRangerswooaargh” variety, interspersed with snatches of past interviews with some of the light blue heroes themselves.

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It is surely surrealism of Dali-esque propor­tions to broadcast, as Radio Clyde did, an interview of Ally McCoist saying, “It was a dream to score the winner in the Final”, with­in minutes of Ally conspicuously not scoring at all.

It was all just a dream, right enough. A friggin’ nightmare which lasted for well over half an hour. Any visiting Venusian, or Dundonian for that matter, would have gained the clear impression that the legendary b-t-b-t had finally assumed material form, and was at that very moment roaming free on the streets of Glasgow.

If Dundee United received another mention after 4.43pm then I must have blinked and missed it. No, wait a minute, that’s not strictly true. The first call to the phone-in was from some fucking nit-wit from Dennistoun who was expressing the hope that United would be punished for allowing their players to celebrate victory contrary to SFA guidelines.

The whole tawdry episode was utterly dis­graceful from beginning to end, plumbing hith­erto unexplored depths of degradation. Have these people got no shame?

Surely to Christ, on the occasion when a provincial club won the Cup for the first time in it’s history, these jokers could’ve temporarily withdrawn their tongues from Rangers’ arses and properly applauded the better team on the day. I say all this as one who was supporting Rangers dur­ing the game. Those at Radio Clyde who were responsible for this outrage were probably feeling pretty pleased with themselves for sal­vaging something from the wreckage of Rangers’ defeat. In a civilized society the whole bloody lot of them would have been taken out the back and shot.

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